Blah.

Is it okay if I just take a minute to be incredibly, transparently honest?

I'm a mess. I'm sad. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm everything in between.

This post probably won't be inspirational. It won't have all the answers. But at least it'll be real.

Daniel graduates from A&M in 31 days. He has an interview with a promising research group on Friday, but an interview isn't a job offer. And it's the only interview we've been offered so far.

If we get this job, or any other job, we have to be packed and re-located in 49 days (when our lease on our apartment is up). That means in seven weeks, my life will look completely different from how it looks now. And that's scary--because I don't know what it will look like.

I don't know where we'll be living. I don't know where we'll be working. I don't know a lot of things.

It's not that I don't have faith, or that I don't trust. Because I do. God is sovereign, and He will provide. I'm overwhelmed by uncertainty, but I know that we'll face it, one day at a time.

One day at a time is so much more manageable.

Yesterday, I was exhilarated by all the changes, dreaming about paint-colors and the possibility of buying a house.

Today I'm just...blah. But that's okay.

Tomorrow I'll be something else.

Two months from now, I'll be somewhere else.

But I'll still be Daniel's wife, my parents' daughter, and a beloved Child of God.

So what if I'm a mess?
I'm okay being a wonderful, beautiful, imperfect mess.

LOVE

Today is To Write Love On Her Arms Day.

To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and providing help to those struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

Why do I write "love" on my arm?

Because I have been there, and I am a friend to others who have walked that road. Because TWLOHA's message of hope and love is the message of Christ...and we are called to love the broken and the hurting. Because love changes lives.

On their website, TWLOHA writes:

You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters. [...]

We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. [...] We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.

Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.

That is why I write love on my arm.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

~1 Peter 4:8

Courage

(n.) mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.

I've never considered myself courageous. I've never been "brave." Timid? Sure. Uncertain? Heck yes. Courageous? Not so much. In my mind, courageous people are the ones who rush into burning buildings, who go off to war, who believe in a dream and fight for it.

I'm not one of those people. I'm just ordinary. So much in my life is uncertain right now, and I am a timid, fearful person. Daniel still doesn't have a job. We still don't know where we'll be living in less than three months. I'm very tired. My life feels so directionless.

However, I am loved by a big God, who knows all and sees all. And He gives me courage. Because I'm learning that it takes courage to be imperfect. It takes courage to be vulnerable. It takes courage to believe in God's provision. Sometimes it even takes courage to get out of bed in the morning and face the reality of uncertainty.

But God takes the faint-hearted and makes them courageous.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be afraid of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."
~Deuteronomy 31:6

Week One, Check!

Last Tuesday, I decided to get off my huge, ever-growing well-proportioned backside, stop complaining about my tight-fitting pants, and do something about it. I'm checking in a week later to say, "I'm still doing it!"

Every day after work, I go straight home and exercise. I've done three days of Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred, one session of yoga, and one afternoon of dancing, followed by 25 push-ups (which for me is a true triumph) and 30 bicycle crunches. (I took the weekend off to let my body heal a little bit! It's not used to working so hard! We did take a 45 minute walk, though, on Saturday.)

I'm intentionally not weighing in for awhile. I want to focus, not on pounds, but on feeling healthier! And I have to admit, I already feel so much better! I'm more relaxed, my attitude has improved, and I'm actually excited about exercising now!

I think I'm going to have Daniel help me take "critical" measurements (waist, chest, arms, thighs, hips, etc.) tonight, so that in a month or so, I can document and evaluate my progress! Thanks for sticking with me! More updates to come...

Bliss.

(n.) Gladness, enjoyment, perfect joy or happiness; blessedness (OED).

Bliss is riding in the truck, with the windows down and the heater on.

Bliss is turning the radio on, hearing the Macarena, pulling up to a stoplight, and starting to dance, only then realizing your husband is dancing the Macarena in the truck with you.

Bliss is laughing about the little moments in life with the one you love the most, even as those moments are unfolding.

Spontaneous. Wonderful. Imperfect. Beautiful. Life.

A Cool Front Came Through.

I walked out my door this morning and shivered as my eyes assessed the cloudy gray sky. The chilly breeze, blowing around our apartment building, wrapped around me like a scarf. I stuck my hands in my pockets, and raised my face up to receive its cool caress.

Yesterday, it was 91°. This morning on my way to work it was 62°. It's not as cool as up north, but I'll take it!

Hello, fall! Are you actually going to stick around this time?

The Perfect Antidote

Today has been a crazy day at work...absolutely crazy. Lots of last minute stuff thrown my direction, big projects approaching deadlines, phones ringing off the hook, and building inspections to be done. (The President of the United States will be on campus tomorrow, after all.)

What's the perfect antidote for all this craziness?

A quick visit to the blogosphere, a large Cherry Coke, and Nickel Creek.

This is bliss.

Happy Little Checkboxes

There's just something about a to-do list. I used to hate them. They were daunting, and if I didn't check all the boxes off, I felt like a failure.

But now, I love the structure and the motivation they provide.

Each day this week, before heading home from work, I've created a list of things I either need to do, or would like to do, during my evenings at home, like:

*Exercise
*Unload/reload dishwasher
*Clean kitchen counters
*Handwash my *ahem* unmentionables
*Play guitar
*Read for fun
*Spend some time card-making
*Watch CSI:NY
*Take a bubble bath

My new routine begins with exercise. When I get home from work, I change immediately into my work-out clothes and get the biggest, most daunting to-do out of the way. It actually provides a great transition into the rest of the evening. I get to work out some of my tense energy, which collects after sitting at a desk all day long, and once it's over, I can happily check off that little box, and move on to the next one.

Having a list, an ordered set of goals, helps me use my time more wisely, and since I've begun this "happy little checkboxes" experiment, I've actually been getting more done, while still having time for the fun, little things like CSI and taking a bubble bath. I think it's because I realize how quickly I can knock out all those little chores I hate, if I just buckle down and focus on checking things off.

In Ephesians 5:15-16, we're encouraged to "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil." Other translations read, "redeeming the time" or "making the most out of every opportunity."

I'm not saying I make the best use of my time (I do like CSI, after all), but these to-do lists at least help me evaluate how I budget my time, and help me avoid wasting it on mindless internet surfing or Facebook stalking. Going to sleep in the evening feeling like you've actually accomplished something is one of the best feelings in the world.

How are you making the best use of your time? Are there things you'd like to cut back on (like Facebook?), or activities you'd like to resurrect (like soaking in the tub or reading a good book)?